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Much like my wife, until a few years ago my testimony was pretty vanilla. Amazing in that God had blessed me and watched over me as I grew up to protect me from many of the more dangerous pitfalls in life, but because of that there weren't the "juicy" bits that are often the things that make us go "WOW!" when we see a person with such a story come to Christ. I was indeed blessed to be raised in a Christian home with a Mom and Dad who not only had the courage and determination to drag me to church whether I wanted to go or not, but who also lived out their faith in front of my sister and me at home. Both could be seen studying God's Word, praying for us and others, and discussing the things of God in the car as we went to church or elsewhere. Don't get me wrong, they weren't perfect. Honestly though, I'm glad I got to see some of their imperfections. Something that has been on my mind a lot lately (and Katie mentioned it in her Reality Check post a few days ago) is that I think we - as Christians - are guilty of putting on a show for everyone around us to make them think we're great when we're dying inside. What good does that do us? What good does that do our brothers and sisters who have the same hurts and struggles? And what glory does that bring to the God who wants nothing more than to bring healing in our lives? Do you know where that healing is most readily available? In the presence of like-minded believers ... His body ... the Church ... the very place we often feel the greatest need to wear our masks! So all that to say, "Thank You!" to my parents for being genuine; for showing that life, our walk with Christ, and marriage is all a process of growing - constantly striving toward a goal, but not giving up just because we aren't there yet.
Because of this upbringing, I knew - in my head - what I needed to do from an early age. I knew about Jesus and that we're supposed to invite Him into our heart, etc. So when I was 7 or 8, at a church camp I was asked by our camp counselor whether or not I'd ever accepted Christ into my heart. I hadn't. So I was asked if I wanted to. Sure, why not? For the remainder of my childhood and most of my teen years I held onto the fact that I'd said a prayer at camp all those years ago. I had a good knowledge about God and His Word. I had good examples of how to live in my parents. What I was lacking was a true knowledge OF God. A book I've only begun reading talks about this very subject; knowledge ABOUT something versus knowledge OF it. The author separates the two like this ... I wouldn't say that I know the governor of the State of Mississippi, Haley Barbour. I know about him, but surely I don't know him. On the other hand, while I have MUCH to learn, I know my wife. I often know how she thinks, how she'll react to certain things, and even what she's about to say sometimes. I know these things because I have spent time talking to her, asking her things, listening to her responses, watching her. All these things have given me a much better understanding of who she is. He also states that the complexity of the "thing" to be known directly correlates to the time and effort required to know it. So we can't truly know God by simply listening to a few sermons and singing some songs. It requires time spent with Him ... speaking and being spoken to. And because He is so much more complex than even my wife, knowing Him requires an even greater effort. Therein lies the problem with my "faith" for all those years. Even if God were simply a human, much less complex and therefore easier to "know" based on the explanation above, even then the effort I put into knowing Him would have relegated us to acquaintances at best.
It was September of 1998 (I think) that God finally got through to me and showed me that I'd never made any sort of commitment to Him that I actually understood. So the process of getting to know God began that evening as I acknowledged my sin before Him, my lack of ability to do anything about it in and of myself, and the fact that I was fully trusting in the promise of Christ - His sacrifice on the cross, and His resurrection 3 days later - for my salvation.
I can't say that I've been on fire for God since that day, though I wish I could. The truth is that it's been lots of ups and downs. Running after Him, hungry to know Him more for awhile ... then for awhile, not so much. When Katie and I met a few years later, I really did have something in my heart that was anxious to fast forward a few years. You see, at that time she was still in high school and I was about to graduate college. Yeah, I know ... I robbed the cradle, but can ya blame me?!? Obviously we were at completely different places in our lives at that point so nothing happened other than the start of friendship. We stayed in touch just enough to kinda know what was going on in each others lives for a few years. Then when we actually began dating in 2004, I knew Katie was at least the type girl I wanted to marry ... and it only took a very short time together before I knew she was The One. :) Because of this, I wanted desperately to have God at the center of our relationship. And thankfully, so did she! We did Bible studies together, prayed together, and attended church together as we dated. Of course "life happened" and as time passed, my determination to keep God at the center of my life and our relationship waned. When we married, we had a renewed vigor to make this happen, but it was short-lived. We both failed at this, but as the spiritual head of the household - by God's design - the blame ultimately rests on my shoulders. To quote Katie in her testimony, "God is the glue that holds a marriage together." And I was applying no glue to our marriage ... at least not on a consistent basis and certainly not WITH my wife. Because we were both doing our own thing spiritually, I wasn't helping her along when she struggled and she wasn't helping me along when I struggled. One would walk toward God, while the other lay flat on their face. This is NOT God's design. Because we were lacking this essential glue to hold us together, it wasn't difficult for Satan to tear us apart. He did it through harsh words, critical attitudes, a sense of dissatisfaction with the other, resentment toward the other, and eventually an affair. Let me be clear, I share equally in the blame for the fact that we'd gotten to that point.
Around Christmas of 2008 God began a work in my heart. I'd really grown quite cold and callous to my own sin and toward Katie ... but thank God He began to thaw my frozen heart. It didn't take long for me to realize how badly I'd failed her and even how I had never in my life understood what love really is. Over the next few weeks, through the first part of 2009, for the first time in our marriage I sought to show her love regardless of her reaction, regardless of how I felt, and even regardless of the things that were going on between the she and the other guy. God was removing the blinders from my eyes to see what was going on - something I suspected, but couldn't bring myself to admit before. Unfortunately, the more I tried to open my heart, loving her as unconditionally as I knew how, the more deeply her words and actions cut me. When things finally came to a head around her birthday, I was very angry with her, and yet despite this anger and hurt my heart still ached for my wife, the woman I'd resolved to love through thick and thin. Just as friends and family who had been through similar situations suggested, after we separated I went through phases of intense anger, incredible brokenness - sobbing face-down on the floor, and increasingly over time, a true sense of peace and healing that only God could do in my heart. Praise Him that all the while, He was doing the same work in Katie's heart! As you know from her testimony, she and I began talking through what God was doing and what we wanted ... healing, reconciliation, and restoration. Through many conversations, prayers, tears, and even a few months of counseling, we'd finally put our own selfishness aside long enough to move forward with our lives together! To be honest I never really had a problem forgiving Katie. The evening I confronted her about the affair, I wanted nothing more than to hear her say she was sorry and that it would end then and there. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her we'd work it out and that she was forgiven. Don't get me wrong, the hurt caused by her words and actions left scars that still hurt to this day, but no amount of pain was going to keep me from forgiving and loving her. That does NOT say anything about me, because there is NO WAY I have the strength to forgive that level of betrayal and hurt in and of myself. It is only because God did a work in me, and HE gets ALL the credit!
In the two years that have passed since then we've come a long way. We've both learned more about the needs of the other and about how easily pride and selfishness can creep in if we aren't careful. We've even committed to doing a daily Bible study together. And we've continued to struggle. As God has taught us since we got back together, true love has very little to do with emotion or even happiness, but is a choice. The lesson I think God is teaching now is that the choice to love isn't always an easy one to make but one we must make anyway. It seems all too easy to just put on the mask and let everyone believe things are great ... even to the point of wearing the mask in front of each other. But that doesn't get us anywhere. It also ignores the fact that we are ALL in the same boat and the storms of life will continue to rock that boat from time to time for as long as we suck air. Nowhere in His word does God call us to unending happiness, a simple stress-free life, or anything of the sort. In fact, He promises that following Him will often lead to things most would call contrary to happiness, peace, or simple. Not that we won't be happy or peaceful, but there will most definitely be storms. The real test is what we will do during these storms. Will we try to ignore it, hoping it will pass and we'll survive? Been there and done that ... it only increases in intensity. Will we get bitter and curse the storm or even the God who allowed it, demanding that we deserve better weather? Been there and done that too ... read the book of Job for a good helping of humble pie. Or will we run to the one who can calm the storm ... or protect us from it if He chooses to allow it to continue? Obviously those questions apply to more than just marriage, but certainly marriage, where sinful and selfish lives under the same roof with sinful and selfish, can be a big test of our obedience to loving as He loves us and responding with humility and true faith no matter what we face.
So that's my testimony ... pretty much up to this very moment. I don't have anything figured out except the fact that I haven't figured out much of anything. I'm a work in progress; in how faithfully I follow Christ, in how I love my wife, and in how I open my heart and life to others. If you're going through any sort of storm - especially one in your marriage - let me encourage you to make God and God alone your rock and your refuge. Find freedom in taking off the mask, allowing God to use other believers to help lift you up and put you on that rock. We need each other ... each others' testimonies, encouragement, and counsel. Thanks for sticking with me through all my rambling!
- Jarod
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